The Living~Dying Duet: Not Just Impaired, Enhanced
I Define Myself Differently Than How the World Defines Me
The shock of entering the world of dementia was very harsh. Suddenly being associated with the word "dementia" was itself overwhelming, with all the images and meanings that the word brings with it. The presence of living~dying began at that point, and changed my whole sense of my self, my life, and my connection to the world.
As I slowly began to figure out how to live with my new condition, I started to become aware that the medical profession in particular and the world in general had word-boxes that they were automatically putting me in. At the same time I became aware that my own feelings didn't match those word-boxes. This started with the very first phrase that the neurologist applied to me: MCI, which stands for Mild Cognitive Impairment. The first thing that I was told was that I'm impaired.
The "impaired" label didn't match what I was feeling. As MCI reduced my cognitive activity, an increase was occurring in my emotional activity that I was feeling very much. I felt that this was an important part of my new reality, for which there wasn't even a word. So next to the phrase MCI Mild Cognitive Impairment I invented the phrase MEE Mild Emotional Enhancement. I chose to view myself and define myself by the part of me that was increasingly enhanced, not only the part that was increasingly impaired.
Unlike MCI, I am finding MEE to be a very positive experience - so much so that I feel that this is a very special moment in my life which takes me to amazing places. I find that my expressing emotions including crying (out of sensitivity, not out of pain/sadness/anger) actually exposes and connects me with myself in ways that I never have before. Thinking of myself at this moment as a person with MEE, alongside what has been labelled on me as MCI, allows me to experience many aspects of life in ways that I am very glad to do.
"MEE" was the first phrase in what would turn out to be a vocabulary I invented to help me match my feelings to my condition, which I'll describe later. But for starters it was very important to me to define myself in terms of enhanced, not just impaired.