The Living~Dying Duet: The Big Fist

The Horror of Dementia Keeps Dying Right In Front of My Face

My life has become a Living~Dying Duet. Living becomes richer, and dying becomes more meaningful, because they are dancing this duet. I play the music to make the best I can from this condition.

Even so, there's an image that appears to me very often. Its meaning is clear no matter what the details of it will be. It is a big fist right in front of my face. It is menacingly close and takes up most of what I can see. It is a fist that does what big fists do, which is to batter in a horrible way whoever it turns to. When I demonstrate the big fist such as in front of a group I hold my own fist in front of my face just as I envision it. It is always frightening both because of what it is and because it shows the terrible reality of what dementia leads to.

While the living~dying duet provides a way of relating to my condition as it is now, the day will come when it will no longer exist. Dying won't just take the lead in dancing the duet, it will dance using steps that living won't know and won't be able to keep up with. Toward the end living won’t be able to dance at all. That will be another reality.

The way I've chosen to deal with the big fist is that I will end my life my way, not dementia's way. It will be out of my choice and in the way I have decided, not out of impulse or depression. The big fist is a constant reminder that this day will come, and for me the known of what will happen when the day comes is relatively easier than leaving it unknown what my last months or years will be like. I will go over this topic in more detail later. The big fist is very present, and despite its being so terribly threatening I relate to it according to my own plans.