​The Living~Dying Duet​: When "F--- y--" is a Line in the Lyrics

​The Lyrics are Part of the Music We Play for the Living~Dying Duet

Among the many people who are part of my journey with Early-Stage Dementia are the members of a very special Healing Circle called Dying Without the Elephant. All the members of this Circle are dying of something, and the openness and connection between the members of the group is extraordinary.

Faced with a limited expected lifespan and loss of capabilities as our conditions advance, the members of the group sometimes discuss situations of everyday life. One of these is how to handle conflicts with other people, especially conflicts involving differences of approach or opinion. These situations are part of the Living~Dying Duet -- such conflicts detract from the fullness of living, and the stress they cause can contribute to the process of dying. In any case these conflicts take from the limited resources of time, mental and emotional capabilities, and scope of activities that have become so immediate because of our conditions.

While the usual methods of dealing with conflicts such as discussion, aggressive or passive actions, or withdrawal are always available, the group has come to realize that there are conflicts for which speedy resolution, quick release, and resumption of other activities is the most appropriate approach. Through trial-and-error in different conflicts that members of the group have faced, we discovered that the short, expressive, and releasing response “Fuck you” ​can be a ​g​ood line to add to the lyrics of the Living~Dying Duet music we play. While not appropriate in many situations, this line can end conflicts quite quickly and with minimum residual effort for us. In these situations “Fuck you” means “I’m living my life my way, and listening to your opinion about it takes up way more of my resources than I'm willing to give. End of topic”. We’ve found from experience that sometimes this is the best approach to dealing with a conflict, and the best line we can insert into the lyrics of the music we are playing for our Living~Dying Duets.